How to Be a Godly Wife/Fiancé

What does it mean to be a Godly Wife/Fiancé?

That's a loaded question. Everyone has different opinions on this because everyone has different interpretations of the Bible. And that is a struggle to me in, itself because I can't see how someone reads what I read in the Bible and come away with something different. Then I have to remember that it's like that with any book. Our life experiences are never the exact same, identical twins don't have the same life experiences therefore see the world differently. One twin has falls off a bike and the other watches. Two different pains, two different perspectives.

This is my view on how to be a Godly wife or fiancé.




I'm in the fiancé category for starters (in a year or so I'll come back and do the wife version.)

Prayer

To me I shouldn't have to add this but the simple fact is; sometimes I forget just how powerful this is in a relationship. This has become a goal of mine: Pray for him three times a day. Then little prayers can come more often when I let my go to him while at work. We have a relationship in God and the devil hates anything that is honored by God so we have to be ready for him to try and attack us.

I prayed hard for my future husband. Laughing, as I just wrote that last sentence I am thinking about me praying for that future husband while Vin stood beside me when we went to church in college. Like our arms were touching and God was just smiling at me while I prayed for a man that loved children like I do, had a career, enjoyed life and loved God. Now I am smiling because God knew all along what he was doing. God was preparing the perfect instant for me to realize Vin was perfect for me.

So I prayed for Vin then and I pray for him now.

Some people ask me what exactly what I pray for Vin:

If I think he is struggling:
Matthew 11:28
Jeremiah 33:3
Hebrews 10:23
Deuteronomy 31:6
Psalm 46:1

Sometimes if I find that I have asked him something over and over, I pray out about it. That way if it is meant to be done God will find a way.

I pray when I think some of my faults are hindering our relationships, or if I'm mad I pray that his faults stop interfering. God answers sometimes just not how I like but that's God for you.

One of my favorite designs on how to pray for Vin (this is wrote down in my prayer journal now) is this from Flourish.Me: Seven Powerful Prayers for My Husband Check out their website for the verses!

Sunday: That he would be given the STRENGTH he needs to fulfill his mission.
Monday: That our MARRIAGE would be strong.
Tuesday: That he would THRIVE in his ministry and personal life.
Wednesday: That he would have great WISDOM as he leads.
Thursday: That I will always have a THANKFUL heart toward my husband.
Friday: That he would have a FRUITFUL walk with God that overflows into his ministry.
Saturday: That God would be his SAFEGUARD from the enemy.

Another great way to pray for your husband/fiance is using the 31 days of praying for your husband. This is also an interesting way to cover your significant other in prayer.

Friendship

I cannot stress this enough. Be his friend first. Sure I love the "lovey" moments, but I have to admit the moments that stand out to me is when Vin breaks out of his serious character. Even when I first met him I was trying to get the 13 year old to lighten up and laugh. (For the record, that's what got his attention was that I was relentless at trying to get him to laugh and smile.)

Let your guard down and talk to have a good time. Sure I have manners and etiquette most of the time. But heck I'm going to be married to this man sharing a bathroom. He is going to know my bodily functions whether I like it or not. Plus, we were college friends at his frat of course I know his!

The memories that are flooding my mind while writing this about being his friend are making me laugh and giggle. God wants your relationship to tell a story have fun while telling it. Not the sex kind of fun. The fun where kids are giggling, your stomach hurts from laughing and your face hurts from laughing and smiling.

Just Do It

I once knew a girl that claimed that she loved her husband unconditionally but 1) She threatened to kill herself when he wanted to leave her (when they were just dating) 2) She made all these demands that he do so it would mirror other couples. 3) She never wanted to help him unconditionally. Yeah, I thank God I don't have to deal with her anymore.

The above relationship wasn't a Godly one at all. You should be able to see a Christian couple. They admit fault, they don't try to act all righteous. They shine with God's love. They do things for each other simply because they love the other person.

People think that you have do something for someone just because they did it for you. Trust me I have gotten tired of "Well I did this for him, he should do this for me." Or even worse hearing a woman being told from a friend, "I can't believe he didn't {insert verb} when you did that for him the other day! I would let him have it." That’s not how it works. Your husband may not always be fulfilling his role, but that is between him and God. Just like woman will read about their role coming up.

Wives think that they get the same roles of moms or worse God. We don't get to act like his mom, he had his upbringing, don't try to change it for worse, for you. You are his friend, companion. Do things for him, simply because he is a gift! A gift from God. I get tickled at my friends that say "Well my boyfriend still doesn't do anything for me." Well honey while he is your boyfriend you have two options either talk to him about the situation now or realize that isn't on this page for you.

Also don't do these things seeking acceptance, appreciation or respect from your husband or fiance. Do them for the Lord. This is the way to have the glory of the Lord shine through your relationship. When you make a decision to do something for God instead of someone else watch what happens.

Privacy

There are some things should be kept behind doors; sex problems, money problems, and family drama. No one wants to hear it. I get so tired of people boasting online that they had sex. What good does it do you? Nobody is envious of you that you had sex.

People ask why Vin and I don't post pictures together. It's one of those things where we agreed those pictures (most of them) are just for us. We know we are together and we don't have to show the whole world. Keep your lives private, don't be a celebrity. If you have a Godly relation

Humor

This category goes back to being friends with him. Laughter shared is amazing. It means that for that moment you had a connection. Something tickled both of your funny bones, enough to make you laugh. I'm not talking crude humor either. That isn't glorifying. Have good nature fun.

People love to laugh. It's human nature. Sometimes life is hard and laughing seems impossible. But try. Change up how you make him laugh is my highly recommended tip! But make him laugh.

Environment

To me environment is key to maintaining a good healthy environment. For me that means becoming a Proverbs 31 wife. My goal soon is to really learn this in the Bible. Meditate on it so much that it just feels natural.

Because when I first read this chapter in the Bible, I felt overwhelmed. Like overwhelmed to the point I felt sick. But Vin was the one to talk to me about it. These a guidelines to work towards.

This is where I pray for myself to make life better for him, Vin. Because a Proverbs 31 woman has to have certain characteristics. These characteristics are seen through our attitudes, words, actions, and reactions.

This is also why I become a Flybaby with FlyLady! She helps you really grasp control over your house to make it a haven for your family without feeling overwhelmed by clutter and cleaning. She really pushes time with family and how to make you feel good about yourself as well. It's not for everyone but I have been loving it.

Learn His Love Language

My dad for a few years now (since him and mom separated) talked about Love Languages. I never really paid much attention until last year when he had Vin and Nathaniel (Vin's best friend and my best friend's fiancé) reading it. Then Jessica and I read it at the beginning of the year and it's eye opening.

Take the quiz here and then see how you can help your spouse grow their love language. It's extraordinary how it helps a relationship. Vin has words of affirmation (as do I.) We both love to hear how we are doing and if we are doing a good job. It's beautiful because are second love language is majorly different. We really try to keep on top of this because we can see a difference when we are filling up each other's love tanks instead of trying to just fill up our own.

Words of Affirmation

Acts of Service

Receiving Gifts

Quality Time

Physical Touch - We both have this as our lowest Love Language which we think is odd. We aren't big cuddlers. People force us sometimes, but we have gotten better!

The love languages are there to help you see what you can do for your significant other. I recommend it in all relationships, family, friends, and children! It will work wonders. I promise

Communication

There is nothing I hate worse, (ok there are other things but this is Top 10,) than someone coming to me to bash their significant other. I get they have qualities that annoy you. And I'll get to that in the next point but for now let's focus on where that communication should go.

My cousin is terrible about fussing at me for pretending that is Vin is wonderful. I just snort at her because Vin is pretty freaking great. Fact of the matter, I shouldn't bash him. Why? Because you are changing that person's view on your spouse. They aren't there for the sweet things he does, and if all you do is bash him, guess what kind of view of your significant other they are going to have. Not a good one and that's a fact.

Besides what does bashing really accomplish for you as well? You stew over something even more and sure you may you feel better, but do you really? Does dogging out your significant really make you feel better? So he forgot the trash for eight time straight? I bet you've slacked off somewhere as well. Praise for him for the things he is doing! Heck you could be alone!

Talk to him if you have a problem. If you feel you can't talk to your pastor or a very well trusted friend to help break the news all together. It's not ideal so really try hard to be upfront and honest first one on one.

Just like I love it when he emails me everything that's on his mind because he knows I spend 65% of my life in front a screen that receives emails. He just lets everything out. Somethings I can respond to in the email and sometimes I go find him and we talk it out. Give him the respect you want, don't look at your phone and laptop while he is talking if you can't stand for him to do it while you are talking. Now us? We are used to it. We get tickled by making faces at each other.

You Are With Him for Reason

Why are you with your significant other? Did he have qualities and characteristics that other guys didn't seem to have? I know that's what caught my eye about Vin. He liked to read! Like literature not some strange book you have to read backwards, and he loves classics. Vin enjoyed the country and the city equally like myself. His music library was bizarre like mine.

The reason people cheat is the fact the other person is different from their significant other because they have qualities and characteristics your significant other doesn't have by 20%! You fell in love with 80%. It's sad that people focus on the weakness of their significant others rather the strengths. Stop trying to change them, nag them, get things for yourself.

Submit

People laugh when they hear that I submit to Vin. That's because these people really don't understand the meaning of the word in a Biblical respect. The Greek word for submission is hupotasso, “to subordinate…put under…”   God exhorts women to voluntarily follow their husband’s leadership (Ephesians 5:22, 1 Peter 3:1).  A woman is actively doing this, choosing to put herself under leadership, choosing to be subordinate in a circumstance or relationship.  This is not forced upon her by the recipient. So husbands you aren't suppose push submission. That's between her and God.

Vin and I made an understanding that when having a house and raising our kids that our relationship would each bring 100% each. Money, cleaning the house, cooking, and parenting all of these things we share equally and instead of 50% each we recommend 100% otherwise you'll have a 50% on just one thing.

But one thing stands true for me, Vin is the leader. He is the more the level headed one. Trust me I am quick to protect my house than just investigating. I'm the wifey (or soon to be) that stands behind him ready to take on whatever enemy tries to come in our house. And I mean that literally and figuratively because we both dare someone to touch our children or each other. We just have to be reminded that God gave each of us a role within marriage and the family, and when one is trying to serve in the other’s role, things are not what God wants. A submissive person trusts God and their significant to meet his or her needs. He or she doesn't have anything to prove. Vin seeks out my input like he should so it works wonderfully.

Make a Contract to Him and God 

Which is a vow, which is not a promise. It's a contract. It's a binding between you and your husband and God. So many people are so willing to put clauses into their vows these days. I have 8 months until our wedding day and I have taken very careful measures into brainstorming for my wedding to Vin.

This isn't something I take lightly in our relationship. Having God's law between us is something that I feel is very firm between us. We have really stepped back lately because things of the world was getting to us. Sure we slip up here and there but never anything terrible. And we asked for forgiveness like we should. It irks me because so many people tell us that's what they do, but they are doing the same thing right away. That's not what forgiveness is at all. It's asking for forgiveness and trying hard to not do it again.

Once upon a time, I was looking for a husband in middle school, and the guy that I thought was perfect, I never heard from him again (or so I thought.) I sort of gave my heart to a guy at Disney World in 2007, he was perfect for my naive teenage self. He had gauged ears and a mohawk could sing and play instruments and knew all sorts of Disney information. We performed at Disney's Candlelight service for a week. And I was terribly upset that I couldn't find out his email or Myspace.

All of these guys above were Vin. He hasn't always gone by his birth name for reasons that aren't mine to tell on here. Some say I should be mad at God because I could have had Vin for a long time, but I wasn't ready. I had to grow up myself. God placed Vin right where he should have been. For that I tell people don't go looking for a husband, and God will give you one. The perfect one.

Keep God First

People forget that without God, they have nothing. I keep a framed copy of this very picture beside my bed always (even when traveling): 

What If You Woke Up Today With Only the Things You Thanked God Distressed Subway Typography Print Sign
PrintsbyChristine

My priority is God every day. I have reminders on my phone sending me Bible verses. Amazing devotions are something I search for constantly. And now I'm trying harder to memorize scripture. Now what order comes after God? Why your significant other. I get very grumpy when someone says that I shouldn't let a man become my world. Used to I would have agreed with them, but God honored us to find each other and he did it in a way that I can't deny that it was God. Putting myself second is selfish, indeed. 

Also, my kids WILL NEVER go before Vinny. I know, that's hard for some people to understand but that creates resentment, either spoken or in their minds. Trust me I have seen that first hand with my own father and mother. My dad put his kids above his wife (there were many reasons for him doing so.) And they didn't last. Now my dad is married and puts his wife first. I don't hold a grudge against him for doing this either. He is happy and so is she. They raise my brothers and sisters more beautifully now. Kids are for you to raise and leave, because then you are left with your spouse.

Finally, my family will never go before Vin. I had my time with them and now I won't be guilted into spending time with family over my own. It's not fair of my family to ask that of me either. If you agree to have some family live with you that's fine but they should be aware that you set the rules in that house, if it's your house but if its theirs you should listen to them.

Now that being said, do I feel the need to spend all my time with him? Oh no, oh no no no. Trust me we might be best friends but we need time away from each other. But after three hours we miss each other and we've known each other for 14 years now. Yes miss each other still. He admitted last year when I was in Florida he hated that he couldn't run up the stairs from his apartment-like-area in my basement just to tell me something that he had found on the internet.

But we both keep God first and cannot wait to see where God takes us. If you want to talk about our wedding use the hashtag #Vinterwedding16 or find us all other sorts of social media. Feel free to go read Vin's blog The Guy From North Carolina.